Buckingham Palace Drops Assault Charges Against Dusty Carr

- Prince Charles and lounge singer brawl on pub floor -

Happy times: Carr and Charles just before the fight

London, England, December 21, 2001 - For HRH Prince Charles, a low-key stopover in a Yorkshire pub ended in a bizarre, violent physical confrontation with singer Dusty Carr.

Yesterday afternoon, the Prince of Wales was visiting the Yorkshire Dales to launch the 'Pub Is The Hub' guide - part of the Prince's Rural Action initiative launched in July - which outlines ways in which inns, pubs and communities can work together to help prevent the loss of vital services in rural areas.

To encourage media attention during the initiative, the Prince will invite celebrities to attend his pub visits. Yesterday, the list included actor Diana Rigg, musician Georgie Fame, soccer star Jonathan Woodgate, entertainer Danny LaRue, and the self-styled 'Lounge Lizard King' Dusty Carr.

Asked later why he had selected Carr, Prince Charles said it was an oversight. "I read the invitation list too quickly," the Prince admitted. "I thought they meant 'Dusty Springfield'. Only on the ride to Yorkshire did it occur to me that Dusty Springfield is dead. My heart pounded when I realized we had invited Carr. He represents all that I abhor and I find him generally eerie."

The trouble began shortly after the group arrived at the Yorkshire Dales. According to eyewitness reports, Carr immediately began to drink heavily, slumping against a wall, a pint of bitter in each hand. Suddenly, onlookers say, he recognized Diana Rigg and screamed at her. "You were my Mrs. Peel, my pretty Avenger! Now, O cruel Lord, you're old and scary! What happened Emma, my sweet pink flower of Carnaby Street?"

The Prince's security escort attempted to drag Carr from the pub, but this strengthened his resolve to remain. At one point, Carr danced on a table, telling patrons, "English people are bony, hairy, pale, ugly, and they get sloppy when they're drunk!"

Initially, Prince Charles ignored the fracas, instead regaling the locals with descriptions of his private wine cellar. Finally, after Carr insinuated that the Prince's two sons were "effeminate losers", Prince Charles grabbed Carr by the hair and threw him on the floor.

Carr responded by snapping the Prince's necktie, then delivering a head-butt that sent His Royal Highness staggering across the room. The Prince rushed back at Carr, raising his feet into the attack position commonly known as the 'Captain Kirk Double Booty Drop Kick'. Carr assumed the full impact of the blow, crashing across a table of local prostitutes.

"They were wrestling like greased pigs," said Fred Dowage, a local resident. "Hard to tell who won. It was obviously a death struggle. Carr got all wild-eyed and the Prince began to whimper a little." The Prince momentarily stopped the rumble, complaining of "feeling light headed."

Yorkshire Police quickly quelled the disturbance. Carr was charged with multiple counts of assault, taken to jail, but later released by the police who complained that he was an unwholesome influence on his cellmates, most of whom were local vagrants.

"This is a case of self-defense. If you hit me, I hit you. Law of the jungle," said Carr, during an impromptu news conference in front of the police station. "But now everybody sees how the so-called Royal Family treats its guests. Hey, Mr. Prince invited me. It's a pub-crawl. I went and got loaded. I thought that was the whole point! Wake up! I make a few comments then I have Bobby Blueblood trying to scratch me. If it wasn't for my professional obligation to perform at The Crawdaddy club all this week, show time 9:00 pm, I'd leave this dreary little country right now. Tickets are 5 pounds at the door and there are two Saturday gigs."

This morning, Buckingham Palace formally dropped the assault charges against Carr. Experts say that Carr's close personal friendship with President George W. Bush protected him from retribution.

Following the incident, Prince Charles was taken to his private London residence. "He was pretty shaken," said a close friend. "He's just terrified of Carr and may cancel the whole pub initiative. Suddenly it's all just bad memories."