PLOT:
Former rapper/underwear model Marky Mark is astronaut Leo Davidson (Hello Oscar? Looking for a Best Actor nomination?). He goes through a time warp (who doesn't nowadays), crash-lands on a foreign planet, and runs like hell when he discovers the guys in power are vicious apes that seem handpicked from the audience of a Worldwide Wrestling event.

THE REVIEW:
First of all, I should confess that I've been intimately involved with the whole 'Planet of the Apes' phenomenon - for one afternoon back in 1968… not that it has prejudiced my review of this current piece of crap. Maybe 'involved' is misleading. Let me explain.

Rod Serling was a pal of mine. Rod was a tough little monkey, a former paratrooper who chain-smoked and liked a good drink. I dug the way he wrote, and he grooved on my singing. I could truly relate to his 'Twilight Zone', because that's where I spent most of my time too. So one day he tells me about this film he's writing called 'Monkey Planet'. I said it sounded stupid - packs of people running around in hairy rubber suits. He said, no, it was a chance to make some real comments on the terrible racial issues that were ripping apart America at that time. I told him to get the money up front from the Hollywood weasels.

About a year later Rod calls me and asks if I'd like to appear in the film, now called 'Planet of the Apes', starring that squared-jawed psycho Charlton Heston. He said I would get $300. for a day's work to act as an 'ape soldier'.

So I show up on the set, still suffering from bad horse tranquillizer, and get freaked out by these people wearing full ape costumes, just walking around, jabbering, smoking cigarettes and eating sandwiches. I mean, that kind of thing is a terrible shock to the system, even when you're straight.

I began to drink just to calm my nerves, and I notice this female ape looking at me in a funny way. So I ask her her name. She says it's Stella. Then I realize she's this dame I knew in Vegas who stayed with me one night and then stole my credit cards and my Cadillac. So I start to rip off her ape suit and the next thing I know, all of these male apes are beating me with clubs. I remember yelling, "Hey, do you guys use a toilet or a big litter tray?" then everything went dark.

So now we have director Tim Burton, surely the ugliest man alive (hey Tim, there's a new invention called a 'comb'), who decided to apply his much celebrated talent in remaking 'Apes'. O thank you Tiny Tim for your continuing contribution to culture. You pitiful little creep. This is the same genius that gave us 'Edward Scissorhands' and 'Batman'. Please Mr. Film Librarian, throw 'Citizen Kane' and 'Casablanca' in the fire, and make room on the shelf for a bona fide work of Art!

The fact that former underwear model and whiter rapper Marky Mark (oh, I'm sorry Marky, you're a glorified thespian now, so it's 'Mark Wahlberg') is the star should tighten your sphincter from the first frame. In terms of acting ability, this guy makes Clint Eastwood look like Laurence Olivier. Hey Marky, did you know they have 'acting schools' where they can teach you things like opening your eyes real wide to show fear - and neat stuff like that?

So Marky crash-lands his spaceship on a foreign planet and basically runs for ninety minutes from men wearing ape suits. There are a few 'plot twists' that are about as interesting as a foam cup. My friend Rod Serling, I command you to come back to life! You're needed!

BOTTOMLINE:

My lady friend, whom I took to this film, told be to 'be gentle' with my comments, that it was 'a good summer film for young boys'. Okay, let me leave it at that before I get myself all worked up again by thinking about Rod and how crazy he was to believe that a film could actually mean something.

© 2001 IMC Communications

Be sure to visit Dusty at FilmCan at www.filmcan.ca