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Third winner just added below! We, the editors of this site, truly want to make this an 'interactive experience', and as such, encourage your participation. To this end, Dusty has agreed to a 'Contest' (only if specific Conditions* are met) that encourages site visitors to ask him questions. Twice a year (note: dates/locations dependent on parole restrictions) Dusty will select one letter that he believes best draws out his unique qualities as a human being, and more importantly, a performer. The winner will be contacted by email and must agree to the Conditions* before having the enduring thrill of spending a night with 'The Man & His Music'. Upon acceptance of said Conditions, the editors will undertake all administrative tasks. So go ahead and submit your question at the bottom of this page
We are pleased to announce the winner of the third 'Win a Night With Dusty' Contest. Our congratulations to the Evans family from Bryce Canyon, Utah. In May, Dusty Carr spent 24 hours with the Joseph and Jenetta Evans and their seven charming children. The Winning Letter Dear Dusty, As a minister of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I like to practice what I preach. I believe in extending forgiveness, in helping those who believe they are beyond help. That is why I write this letter. My friend, I await you. The Lord Jesus awaits you! As you can see from our picture, we really enjoy wearing our ‘Sunday best’ clothes and getting our photograph taken! My wife made the girls’ clothes and I made the boys’ shirts. It’s so great to have the family all together again (two of my boys were in prison for aggravated assault and public indecency. The charges were laid by a godless police unit and enforced by a heathen judicial system. Amazingly, I am without bitterness. Praise Jesus.) Dusty, I fell in love with your music in the early 1970s. I used to sing ‘You Are My Angel’ when I was dating my Jenetta, my future wife. We met at Bible Studies Class. The Mormon religion is very interesting and we would swap biblical stories over late night milkshakes (well, not too late because her father held daily prayers in the family kitchen at 9 P.M.) I know you have sinned. Sir, as a humble agent of God, as an unfaithful servant of Jesus Christ, I am in a position to extend his forgiveness, to make you whole, to wash your soul with the purity of the Holy Spirit. Come to us Dusty for the weekend. Rid your body of toxins. Rinse your heart of hatred. Come to us lost child of God. Your friend in Christ, Joseph
Evans
Dusty’s Response I suppose it’s pretty obvious that any grownup capable of writing a letter like that might be fun to party with. It could be a sort of scientific experiment, like studying a weird animal that eats rocks and sleeps for 20 years. Anyhow, when I was a kid, whenever people spoke of Mormons, I thought they were saying ‘morons’, as in, “It is common for Morons to have upwards of ten children in a single family.” Of course it was, I thought, they’re freakin’ morons! So I grew up feeling sorry for these Morons, who seemed mindlessly inbred, and followed a terrible religion that produced the Osmond family. When the editors of this site told me that I would be spending the weekend with Mormons, I instinctively took pity on them and thought maybe I could sit them around the fire and regal them with stories of Las Vegas and Marilyn Monroe and cocaine. It never occurred to me that Mormons don’t drink booze or take dope. And most of them don’t even smoke or gamble. It’s like hanging out with really smart monkeys, except monkeys have better haircuts. These people just aren’t human, hence the scientific experiment. Anyway, I managed to secretly intake enough depressants to stay sane in beautiful Bryce Canyon. The problem with people like the Evans’ is that they can turn on you faster than a rabid grizzly—because their brains are unsound, they believe such cartoon crap. One moment they’re saying something like, “Oh Dusty, would you like more freshly squeezed lemonade?” and the next moment they’re saying, “Read the gold plates! Satan himself can live in your colon for years, growing fat on fecal matter, finally exploding apart your stomach!” What did I get out of this weekend? If there is a God, I am now certain that He personally bitch-slaps every Mormon who dies and goes to Heaven. Why? Because they bug even Him; plus, who wouldn’t given the chance? We are pleased to announce the winner of the second 'Win a Night With Dusty' Contest. Our congratulations to the Cuttler family from Alma, Arkansas. In April, the Cuttler family spent 24 hours with Dusty. The Winning Letter Dear Dusty, My name is Amos Cuttler. I am an unemployed train mechanic. I have been unemployed since the trains stopped coming through Alma, about fifteen years ago. My wife Debbie cleans barns for extra money. Somehow we get by. My oldest son Jeb is an exotic dancer and once met Hillary Clinton. The rest of my family just eats. Our dog Andy has some kind of intestinal disorder - and believe me, it's not worms! I should know. We love your music because it makes us think of another world, of Las Vegas and tables heaped with warm food. In fact, we have been hungry for a while. Thank the Lord Our Saviour that beer remains cheap. We have all your albums but the stereo player has been broken since 1976. We would like to spend time with you because it would make us feel good. Please choose us. We are sure you will like Alma. Your friend,
The Response First of all, I am not to be held directly responsible for what happened to the Cuttler family during my stay. In no way do I assume responsibility for their hospital bills, the destruction of their truck, or their barn burning down. Plus, their dog was already sick. I did not kill it. As my pal Johnny Cash said, if you can't handle booze, pills or a little bit of toot, then don't do them. America is all about freedom baby. You can always say no - or yes. Second, at the time I agreed to stay with the Cuttlers, I wasn't aware that it - or they - was a family. In fact, I wasn't in any shape to agree to anything - and as far as I know, contracts signed by people who have just guzzled a fifth of JD are not valid in the state of Nevada. Be that as it may, I am an honorable man. So I went to meet the goddam Cuttlers in Alma, Arkansas. As I was driven up to their house, and they came out to meet me all smiling, my blood ran cold. I found their friendliness terrifying. It's like they hadn't spoken to a stranger in years - which I later found out was true. I do not like banjo music. I never did. I'm a man who lives for the back beat. I told them this but one of the kids kept picking away on a banjo. Finally I had to break the thing over his head and everyone said he should see a doctor but they had no money. Then the old man got mad at me. So I had to smack him around a little. Things cooled off and the mother started to hum a few of my songs to make me feel at home. But I found it creepy. She sounded like she'd been gargling scrap metal. Also, I do not like dogs, never did. They're kind of revolting and stinky. I mean, really look at their faces some time, with their big runny eyes and baggy gums. They're repulsive. That said, I did not intentionally drop a case of scotch on 'Old Blue', the Cutler's hound dog. The case slipped out of my arms while Old Blue was attempting to mate with my leg. I felt it was my duty to bury the filthy thing so I went out to the barn to get a shovel. Somehow my cigarette ignited some hay and then the whole freaking barn went up in flames. So be it. The place stunk like dog shit anyway. Look, I'm not crazy about this Contest anymore. I mean, where are all
the attractive, young, single women who enjoy lounge music? Why do I
get stuck with a pack of extras from 'Deliverance'?
The Winning Letter Dear Dusty, I was born in China in 1978 and moved with my family to New York City in 1988. I am a Math major at NYU. I had never heard of you until this year. One day my friend played me an LP of yours. It touched my heart. It made me both happy and sad. You sang of sorrow and joy. It was then that I fell in love with your music. I knew that I had to meet you, that I must meet you. Together we can share laughter and maybe some wine - though I am not a big drinker! You, my friend, are a genius, and not enough people know of your splendor. Though I do not qualify under all the Rules of the Contest, I can supply you with much alcohol and loud music. Please let me win this contest and we can have fun in New York City. Your devoted friend, with life-long respect, Luan Zhang
My first response? Who the hell knew that 'Luan ' is a man's name? Jesus H. Christ! If China is such a wise, old culture, then why haven't they discovered that men and women have different names. You should be able to tell. Goddam, this was my biggest nightmare come true. And this letter was 'hot', if you know what I mean. Aw listen, rules are rules. When I saw this guy, this 'man' at La Guardia, I wretched. I expected some kind of Suzy Wong, not some over-eager male math student with a brushcut. I wanted to rip my skin off and smash someone's face. But instead I just got very sick and felt weak and trembled for most of the car ride. Anyway, all in all, it wasn't a bad weekend. I got to kind of like Luan. I guess you could call him somewhat gentle. He padded around in slippers. He washed my hands, made me dinner, and we watched one of my old movies. He lives alone in an apartment with two ugly goldfish, one of which, unfortunately, I impaled on a long sliver of glass. Fish can really get on your nerves. They're even more useless than cats, and that's saying a lot. Don't ask me how I got the glass, but Luan did a lot of cleaning. As for Luan, he giggles a lot and that also got on my nerves. Anyway, he told me about China, like they have hordes of people and everyone rides a bike. But I don't see how any of it effects me. As a present I gave him a stack of Dustycarr.com cocktail napkins. He was as happy as a pig in poop. But I never, goddam ever want this to happen again! Okay Mr. 'We've Been To College' web editors. No men, no transvestites, nobody who doesn't meet the very-easy-to-understand rules! Have a question for Dusty? You might win 'The Contest'. Submit here. |
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Internet Music Retro™ Awards 2004 NEW Dusty's Mail: The Contest Winner! © 1999-2004 dustycarr.com |
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